On Valentine’s Day, we celebrate love and romance—with boxes of chocolates, candygrams, lovey-dovey cards, and bouquets of flowers. For those who are unattached on this holiday and who are watching the exchanges of romantic overtures from the sidelines, finding love may feel like an especially urgent goal.
But it is important to remember that not all relationships are healthy, including some new relationships that seem perfect on the outside as well as some long-standing relationships. Indeed, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the US—that means more than 10 million women and men in one year. Nearly “half of all women and men in the US have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner.”
At ALM Law, one issue we are working to combat is intimate partner violence (IPV) (also referred to as “domestic violence”). Therefore, over the next several weeks, we’ll explore different aspects of IPV, including legal options for survivors, in our posts.
The Power and Control Wheel
“Domestic violence is a pattern of behaviors used to gain or maintain power and control.” IPV is all about power and control. To illustrate how abusive partners establish power and keep victims in abusive relationships, the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, Minnesota developed the power and control wheel. Today, the power and control wheel is a widely recognized resource amongst members of law enforcement, experts, advocates, and service providers who work with survivors of IPV.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, “The inside of the wheel is made up of subtle, continual behaviors over time, while the outer ring represents physical and sexual violence. Abusive actions like those depicted in the outer ring often reinforce the regular use of other, more subtle methods found in the inner ring.”
Love Bombing
One type of emotional abuse that falls within the inner portion of the wheel is love bombing. Today, in honor of Valentine’s Day, and in an effort to promote healthy relationships, we are putting the spotlight on this one (very) unhealthy dating tactic: love bombing.
“Love bombing is a manipulative dating tactic used by narcissistic and abusive individuals.” A New York Times article warns, “[g]rand romantic gestures in the early days of a relationship could be sweet—or a sign you’re dating a narcissist.”
According to Lori Nixon Bethea, PhD, Love bombers present “an idealized image of themselves.” They shower their target with love and affection to gain their target’s trust. They send flowers weekly, book lavish trips, introduce victims to their family quickly, and inundate victims with attention and flattery. They sweep victims off their feet. It feels good, and it feels effortless, which can be confusing in a world where we are taught that “you just know” when you meet the right person.
According to Dr. Chitra Raghavan, a professor of psychology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, “the person who is doing the love bombing is creating or manipulating the environment to look like he’s the perfect or she’s the perfect mate.” Remember, narcissists love bomb; love bombing boosts their egos and elevates their sense of importance.
Once they have a victim’s trust, the honeymoon period ends abruptly. They become manipulative, controlling, and abusive. They shut the victim out, becoming cold, distant, and degrading. They deploy other tactics shown on the power and control wheel. They devalue the very person they once adored, ultimately shattering both the victim’s sense of self and her ability to trust in herself.
This can be rebuilt, but it takes time and a strong support network. Access to counseling and mental health services is important, as is understanding that the victim did nothing wrong. So often victims are overcome with shame over what was done to them. Coming forward with stories, sharing the truth of what happened, and standing up to abusers can also help victims heal.